By way of
procrastinating from doing that I am meant to be doing, writing a talk for the Family
Craft Morning on Saturday; and also because I am finding it hard to concentrate
on anything today, here is a blog entry. Today I have to disagree with those
who claim that moving house is just about the most stressful thing you can do
in your life!
I am finding
that moving through life stages is not dissimilar in stress and heartache. This
week for me is one of those where you think you are just about holding it
together, but something inside of you just wants to run around naked screaming (sorry
possibly not the best image to use).
This past
weekend I had a long hard three days at college trying to stuff medieval
theologians into my un-retentive brain, closely followed by Monday at college
with yet another load of information, on some geezer called Thomas Cranmer, to
process. Then on Tuesday I had 24 hours to save the universe, go to work, remember
Pancake Day, deliver said articles for consumption, and get ready for Alice’s
16th birthday on Wednesday. Which just so happens to then coincide
with Molly having her one and only interview for a place in Med School at
Bristol University; a one in three success rate so we are told (which isn’t too
bad, being as she has been selected to be one of 500, out of 5000 for interview;
the odds are getting better..). Crush in Valentines Day on Thursday, which this
year will go largely/totally ignored as it is also a study day and I am
treating myself to a haircut in my lunchbreak; and then the week comes
screeching to a crescendo with Molly’s 18th birthday on Friday,
taking 20 teenagers to Covent Garden for a meal that evening followed by the ‘piece
de la resistance’ or maybe the straw that breaks the camel’s back; a teenage
party and sleepover on Saturday afternoon/evening. Lord, I have to ask why were
our girls born two years, less one day apart?
All this I
guess I can cope with if it was just on a ‘doing it’ basis, I’m a pretty good
multi tasker. But mixed into it all are thoughts that crash through my heart
and mind like huge waves:
“Oh my gosh my babies are now 16 and 18, one
of them is an adult!”;
“That means
Molly is really doing it, she’s planning to leave me!”;
“That means
only two years until Alice heads off too!”;
All
afternoon I have been wandering around the house, not being able to settle to
anything; praying for Molly as she does this interview but also praying for
Steve and myself. I opened her bedroom door, overlooked the absolute mess, even
wondered how it would be when the mess wasn’t there anymore; and then quickly
shut the door again.
The crux of
what is going on in my head and my heart is “what next, who will I be when my
kids have gone? My identity for the last 18 years has been so wrapped up in
them, I wonder now who I am going to grow up to be? Some of you may know that I
am at present training to become a Vicar in the Church of England – guess that
is what my future is kind of going to look like. Yes, only the Lord knows why!
(I don’t have the foggiest I am being faithful to His call). But I am REALLY
glad of that fact at the moment, I am really glad that He knows why. Having
already ordained my days before I was born; and also our girls days; He knows
exactly what we will all be and look like when we grow up! He even ordained
this week, and will get us all through it. As I wandered aimlessly around this
afternoon I felt his presence holding me. Every time I got to that place of PANIC
took a deep breath and felt His spirit fill me with all I needed to get through
the next minute, hour, day.
I have no
idea, nor can I control, what I or our girls will be when we grow up. So I will
just fall back on his Word, which says in Jeremiah 29 verse 11 “For I know the plans I have for you," declares the
LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope
and a future.”
Right, it’s time
to take a deep breath, get my glad rags on for Alice’s birthday meal tonight
and plough on through – trusting God’s plans for me and mine.
