I love you more...

“But Dad, I can’t, I’m scared” said the little girl, feeling tears beginning to fill her eyes. She was trying to hold them back, brush them away before her Dad saw her and told her to “pull herself together and stop being so silly!”.

The tears were welling up even faster as she began to feel even sadder that her Dad didn’t just reach out and help her, hold her tight, guide her. She braced herself for the harsh words she knew she was going to hear. The words that went straight through her chest and ripped her heart out and the look that said “don’t be so pathetic” making her feel worthless and even more afraid.

But this time, strangely, something different happened. The little girl wasn’t so little anymore. She felt the tears run down her face. She closed her eyes so as not to see his look of disdain and as she did she felt His hand gently on her cheek, wiping away her tears. She felt His other hand hold her on the top of her arm and then draw her close to Him. She found herself in the tightest bear hug she had ever been in, her head safely tucked under His chin. This wasn’t her Dad, He smelt different. He didn’t smell of fear and anger, He smelt of love.

She felt Him gently stroke her hair. She looked up and fell into his huge eyes. Eyes that said “I love you, I’m so proud of you. You don’t need to be scared. You don’t need to be afraid. Let’s do this together. I know you can do it”.

It felt so strange, so alien, yet so amazing. One of those moments that you never want to stop, a moment you certainly never want to forget.

Who was this person who could make her feel like this – such an awesome feeling, and such a contrast to the way she had expected to be feeling right now.

Despite this amazing experience her mind still wanted to go back to that place of “I’m scared Dad, I can’t do it”. She opened her mouth to say it, but before the words came out she felt his hand gently touch her mouth, and He said “Yes, I know you can’t do it – BUT we can, we can do it together!” and He laughed. He laughed and smiled at her and all her fear slipped away. She began to laugh too, a laugh that she had never laughed before. Coming from a part of her being that she didn’t even know existed. She leant back in His arms and looked in His eyes again. She couldn’t believe what she saw. She saw love, she saw acceptance, she saw peace – but this time she also saw her own reflection and for a moment she didn’t recognise herself.

What she had seen in the past, when she had looked in a mirror, had been a grey skinned woman with many battle scars; with life written all over her face.

What she saw in the reflection in His eyes was a beautiful woman; the scars were still there, but no longer grey. The colour was back in her cheeks and her eyes smiled and sparkled like stars.

Slipping back into childish ways, fearful of losing this feeling she now felt, she said “I don’t want my old Dad anymore, will you be my Dad ?”

He replied “I am your Father, always have been, always will be. And you are my beloved daughter. I’m here to stay. Are you?”

“Oh yes, most definitely” she replied as she snuggled back into His arms. “I love you” she said into His chest.

“I love you more” He replied.



I offer you more than your earthly father ever could ~ Matthew 7:11
For I am the perfect father ~ Matthew 5:48

Allowing your child to fail in order for them to succeed

I am not a competitive person. We often play board games or the Wii in our family and I really don’t like the rivalry between my girls and their dad. It makes me squirm as they are constantly trying to out think each other and physically out do each other. I tend to deliberately loose in these games because competition makes me feel very uncomfortable. I don’t like how it makes people act, often in a ugly smug way; in a way that proudly says ‘I am better than you’. I can understand the need for competition at times, when applying for a job or running in a competitive race. But I also see the need for humility in competitive situations.

I have recently hit a parenting brick wall, quite hard and it hurts, a lot. Molly has set her heart on studying medicine at university when she finishes her A Levels. Now had this been any other degree course I would have been really calm and excited about it because she is very capable of getting the grades she needs. However, for places to study medicine there is a lot of competition. You don’t just need to get the grades at A level, you have to go through interviews, tests, have had lots of relevant work experience and have written it all up and lots of other stuff – basically you have to out do everyone else applying for that place at University – it’s a competition and there is every chance of failure in any competition!

She seems really cool about it, as does my husband. But I am freaking out, firstly because I didn’t go to university so this is all an unknown to me, secondly because of my dislike of competition and thirdly because I can see that there is nothing I can do to help her in this. This is the first time I am unable to help her attain one of her life’s goals and I am scared. My little girl has to do it on her own. Oh my gosh, what if she fails!

I know as parents we should be allowing our children to fail in order for them to succeed. Thinking about it I realise we have been doing this bit by bit all through their lives. Like when we removed the stair gate from the stairs in order for them to learn how to go up and down the stairs safely by themselves, there were a few accidents, but they soon learnt that they needed to hold on. When we showed them how to get to school on the bus and then allowed them to go on their own without us watching over them, they haven’t got lost yet and have since explored many different bus routes home! Or even recently when we allowed both of them to set their own revision timetables for exams and they did a good job but it could have easily gone the other way.

I guess it is about encouraging them to be proud of themselves for what they have achieved for themselves, not just knowing that we are proud of them. Giving them the chance to feel uncomfortable in certain circumstances in order them to build up a tolerance for discomfort and learn how to deal with it. Teaching them how to be responsible for themselves and the choices they make, whether they fail or succeed. Life isn’t all good stuff. I know they have both made bad choices and learn from them which is great, but I have to be real and know there is a lot more of that to come. I don’t want to see my girls fail, but failure is good, it can teach us a lot of things about ourselves.

As I said Molly seems to be quite laid back about this situation, but for me this university place represents Molly’s future hopes and dreams and it all feels so overwhelming to me. I know I need to get over myself and just do what I do best, love her to bits and be there for her if she does fall down.

The world is a very competitive place my beautiful girls, go for it, Dad and I will always be there for you, cheering you on and loving you.

Smile though your heart is breaking!

Cast your worries and cares on God today. Jesus says in John 16:33 'Here on earth you will have many trials and sorrows. But take heart, because I have overcome the world.'

Imagine the gospel choir standing in your kitchen/lounge/bedroom and have a bit of a sway to the following song by Kirk Franklin called 'I Smile'.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x5QNFow99SY


3 We can rejoice, too, when we run into problems and trials, for we know that they help us develop endurance. 4 And endurance develops strength of character, and character strengthens our confident hope of salvation. Romans 5:3-4 (NLT)

If you would like to know more about the God who helps you smile through your troubles then can I recommend the Alpha Course that is starting next week (27th Sept) at St Barnabas, 7.30pm-9.30pm. I am on the leadership team and look forward to seeing you there. God bless you all x x x x x x

For more information see the link below.

http://www.stbarnabas.co.uk/Groups/123460/St_Barnabas_Church/Whats_on/Alpha/Alpha.aspx

Unconditional Love!

It’s so exciting to be back at Barney’s after the long summer break. I just love Wednesday and Friday mornings and being able to have all my friends round for a cuppa tea and a chat. Love it, love it, love it! I have to say a huge thank you to St Bs for allowing me to host you all in their front room and not mine at home, because you wouldn’t all fit in at mine!

Over the summer I had the great privilege of being part of another milestone in the lives of my beautiful daughters, Alice (14) got an A in her GCSE Art (which she took two years early, she starts her normal GCSEs this year in year 10) and Molly (16) got 6 A*s, 5As and a B in her GCSE’s and has now started 5 A levels in her quest to study medicine at University. I am so proud. They both worked so hard. I had very little to do with their hard work apart from the occasional midnight dash to Tesco for more printer ink, providing regular cups of tea, bars of chocolate and searching Tiger and Poundland for art materials because they were being used up so quickly! But it was a pleasure to be able to facilitate, in a small way, their success. Allow me a moment to be a proud mum and say my heart is bursting with pride at what amazing young women they are growing into.

I was asked this week at Barney’s, how we managed to encourage our children to do so well. My answer was ‘we just love them’, but I think I need to unpack that a little.

We strive to love our girls unconditionally. Weeks before the exam results were out we organised a party for them, which happened the Saturday after exam results day, to celebrate their results. We wanted to clearly say to them that no matter what their results were, we intended to celebrate them as a person and recognise how hard they had worked. I think if a child knows they are loved, no matter what they do or achieve, then they are more able to love themselves for what they are and not be discouraged by what the world tells them they should be achieving. Through that truth and encouragement comes the feeling that they can attempt all kinds of things, in the case of education no matter how academically gifted they are, and they are more inclined to try their best in everything they attempt to do.

Sadly today’s teaching in schools leans heavily towards the academic child, rather than the creative child. The new baccalaureate system introduced this year in all secondary schools gives little chance to a child who is less of a ‘book learner’ than others. I find it really sad, that what you achieve in exams is held in higher esteem than what kind of a person you are.
Academic success is not the be all and end all. God loves us all unconditionally and sees our hearts, not our achievements. The world has a habit of telling us we are not good enough, because we haven’t achieved this and we haven’t achieved that. God says to us ‘...no matter what, I love you. Know that love, grow in it and be strengthened by it.’

This is what we have claimed for our girls, that they should receive from us as their parents, what God has given us. Unconditional love is very hard for us all to understand, as it is not a worldly thing. But I believe It is what we should all be striving to give our children. Loving them for who they are, not what they achieve. By all means encouraging them to achieve their God given potential; but always celebrating them as a person, always loving them for who they are.

Father God thank you for your unconditional love, thank you that you loved us so much you sent your Son to die for us and through his resurrection we can have an amazing life; a life so full of love that we cannot help but want to give it away. Help us to love our children and others as you love us. Amen

If you want to know more about God's love for you or any other big questions of life that you may want to explore, the Alpha Course starts next Tuesday evening 27th Sept, 7.30pm at St Bs. Please come along, I will be there and hopefully you will get your questions answered. I look forward to seeing you x x x x x

Rites of Passage

Life is full of ‘rites of passage’. From the formal ones of baptism, weddings and funerals to the others that we all hold dear in our lives: first smile, first day at school, first lost tooth, 13th birthday, 18th/21st birthday and many more. This week saw our family involved in a new, imported one from the USA, the end of school ‘Prom’. Molly finished her GCSE’s last week and Monday saw the long anticipated Prom Night. As ever it was such a privilege to be part of another of Molly’s ‘rites of passage’ the planning for her big night.

She chose a dress on Ebay, just from a photograph, that she really liked and said that she would feel like Eva Longoria wearing; when it arrived she wasn’t wrong she looked stunning. We practised hair and make-up for weeks before hand, I am now an expert in the many ways you can make long straight hair have a curl in it, and how not to gas yourself when using copious amounts of hairspray. We shopped for shoes with six inch heels and we spent hours practising walking in them!

I was really surprised at how emotional I was at all of this; my little girl suddenly became a woman in front of my eyes. I took loads of photos, cried a tears of joy, worried for her as we dropped her off to meet her friends and get in their limo, cried a bit more as I saw the rather handsome young man who had asked her to be his date give her a beautiful corsage of flowers for her wrist; and then worried all night that she would have a good time, be safe and not fall off her shoes!

But the most amazing moment for me, when I realised that this was a rite of passage for me as well as her, was when I got to do something that I remember my mum doing for me on my wedding day. As Molly was about to leave to go to the prom, I noticed something was missing from her outfit. I rushed upstairs and got a single drop silver necklace out of my jewellery box that Steve had given me when we first met, it would compliment her dress perfectly. With trepidation I reached to put it round her neck, looking into her excited eyes, no words exchanged but joy, pride and love making my fingers shake as I fumbled to fasten the catch. In that moment I was transported back to my wedding day, and I said to her “Nanny did this for me on my wedding day” to her, she looked at me and said “I love you so much Mum”.

Such a beautiful precious moment between mother and daughter; a moment that could go unnoticed by anyone else except those involved. On my wedding day, as I came down stairs for the first time dressed in my wedding dress my mum reached around my neck and fastened a beautiful gold chain with a single pearl hanging from it. A necklace I had seen her wear many times, that had been a gift from my dad. In that tender moment, that didn’t need any words I knew what she was thinking, how proud she was of me, how much she loved me and what this moment meant to my Mum.

As Molly and I stood there I suddenly realised that I was giving my daughter away, not yet to a husband but to the world. Another bit of my child, that I wanted to cling onto so tightly, had just slipped away unnoticed by anyone else other than Molly and me. A truly precious moment shared with my beautiful daughter and one that I am so glad I did not miss.

Rites of passage aren’t only in the big things, but in the everyday, as you watch your child grow and fly away. Keep an eye out, don’t miss any because they are so precious and you cannot get any of them back once they are gone. Don’t let your child grow up too soon, as the world seems to encourage them too, rites of passage are called that for a reason there is a time and place for each of them – they are life stages, our journey from birth to death and deserve to be celebrated and enjoyed. And as I found out this week, their rites of passage are ours too.

This is my song for my beautiful girls Molly and Alice, I love you so much my darlings x x x x x x x

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rKAn1HvmRXM


Father God, I want to thank You for my beautiful daughter. Thank You that You have trusted me to be her mum and raise her for You. Thank You for the amazing times we have had together and I look forward to many more, please keep my eyes open to every precious moment because I don’t want to miss a thing. I am very proud of her and I know that You are too. Amen x x x x x x

You only get out what you put in!

My gorgeous eldest daughter was born in February 1995 and I remember those sleepless nights and equally long days of coping with a new born. Stumbling from nappy change to feed, to nappy change, hoping I had got them in the right order. In all honesty not having the foggiest what I was doing, making it up as I went along. Spending hours gazing at our small bundle of innocence in her cot praying “Lord, wherever else I may fail, don’t let it be here!”

Now, sixteen years later it is GCSE time in our household. Molly is taking 14 GSCEs. Her predicted grades are As and A*s; that’s a big ask for a small person and we are really proud of her and how hard she has worked to hopefully achieve those grades. However, I do have to remind myself that we too have worked hard and played in part in her success, encouraging her in her education by helping her with homework, by attending parents’ evenings, by making sure she has been in school each day, that she has been equipped with all she needs for school, that she has full school uniform and cheered her on in all her educational endeavours. The part we play in our children’s education is just as important as the part they play. As a result of our input Molly has worked to the best of her ability during her school career, especially in the last two years of GCSE study. She has her own aspirations to become a doctor and so has set herself goals of what she would like to achieve. Therefore, her recent study leave and revision time has been just that. She has learnt everything she needed to learn over the last two years and this time is truly a time for revision/reminding herself of her knowledge rather than trying to learn it from scratch. We are very proud of her.

How our children turn out says more about our parenting skills than about their genes. God has put awesome power into our hands – the power to shape the next generation – and it takes a lot of commitment. We need to be part of their spiritual, emotional and educational challenges even when we are exhausted ourselves. We need to accept them unconditionally, even when they don’t want what we hope for them. Finally we need to be unfailing in our encouragement. Whether they win or lose, are right or wrong, make us look good or embarrass us; we need to understand, console and encourage them nevertheless. They need to know that we would never reject them, no matter what happens.

Each day when Molly goes off to sit an exam I joke with her. I say “I love you so much, if you just wrote your name on the test paper and that was all you did I would still love you!” I wrote my name on her life the day she was born and committed to see the ‘test’ through to the end, no matter what. It has been very testing at times, but as with everything in life you get out of it what you put in.

Kill them with kindness!

My Dad always used to say “...kill them with kindness Sally” and it is something that has stuck with me. A kind gentle word can defuse all kinds of awful, ugly situations. A simple expression of love can melt any act of anger or hatred. Words spoken in love can bolster a broken spirit and heal broken hearts. A look of pride, a display of joy can change the atmosphere in a room full of people. How you say or do something is crucial to how it is received by the other party involved.

It says in Ephesians 4:32 “Be gentle with one another, sensitive. Forgive one another as quickly and thoroughly as God in Christ forgave you.”

We live in a world that is so broken, a world that openly accepts blame culture and is now moving into such a litigious state that soon I wouldn’t be surprised if someone broke a finger nail they may call ‘Injurylawers4U’ and sue God for it!

And all this bitterness, anger and disrespect that people carry around with them against others, because whatever happened wasn’t their fault, is making a society that is permanently angry. I was chatting to a wise ‘older’ woman yesterday at Barney’s who said to me that in her experience of watching children grow over the past 50 years, she noticed that a large proportion of them displayed the same kind of demeanour as their parents, it is a learnt behaviour. If their parents were the type to be stressed most of the time, then their children had grown up to be similar; if the parents were anxious, then their children tended to be anxious; if the parents had little self respect, then it seemed so with the children as they grew; if the parents were laid back, then their children were laid back. I had to say that I agreed with her and it made me think about what we are subconsciously passing on to our children. In this culture that we live in, are we encouraging our children to become the next generation of bitter and angry people who feel everything wasn’t their fault and the world owes them a living; or are we taking responsibility for our actions and acting towards other people as God would have us do, by being gentle, sensitive and forgiving.

Did you know that kindness is a drug? It gives you a far better kick than chocolate! Disrespect, rudeness, incivility, and a lack of kindness have become a serious problem. You will be hard pressed to ever go a day in your life when you won't meet someone that doesn't need a kind word. This week I had quite a few occasions where I had the privilege to thank someone for what they had done for me; give someone who wasn’t feeling on top form a hug and kind words; to encourage someone who wasn’t feeling all that confident about something they had to do; and tell someone I was proud of them. Some of these people were total strangers, people with whom I had no relationship, yet it was fantastic to be able to speak positivity into their lives. Not only did improve their situation, but it gave me a lovely warm feeling inside, I felt incredibly blessed. It was the kind of feeling that money can’t buy and I am pretty sure should be prescribed for certain depressive illnesses. It is impossible, not to be unbelievably blessed when somebody sends a kind deed or a kind word your way. Remember this saying and kill someone with kindness. You really can do that with people. You can kill animosity, bitterness, anger, and hard feelings with just a little kindness.

Amen!